shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
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Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
they see me scrollin
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????