Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
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Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”