Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
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Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie