Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
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Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken: