Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

Happy Halloween 🎃

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

Saint West, the patron of selfies

My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said

Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah!

[After spending a week with me]

Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

this is so top tier i cant

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”

5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”

Me, “No.”

5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.