Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
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THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
BRO LMFAO
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round