SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
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[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
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I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.