SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
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Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty