Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

Breaking news:

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.

[Sesame Street casting]

Director: We need role models for the kids

“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”

Director: Anything else?

“Two jobless roommates”

Director: First of all I love it

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.