Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worth the read.

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.

Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

We are the people our parents warned us about.

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

My Guy

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”