Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.

google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

Always be yourself.

Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.

– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.