Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys

[all the other players look at me]

ME: Is….is anyone else cold?

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]

HER: No way this thing does 150.

ME: Only one way to find out…

[pulls over & checks wikipedia]

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.