Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
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Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
🗽
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good