Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

RIP boiling water. You will be mist.

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life

Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?

Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.

#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.