sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
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crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.