sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
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If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
that wasn’t the question
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.