Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
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brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”