Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
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My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.