Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

cause of death:
autopsy.

[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.

I have obtained a hat

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.