Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
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They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.