Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
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I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you