Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
You Might Also Like
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Genius.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
craving $300 all of a sudden
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.