Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
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Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.