Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
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I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.