Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
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Lube but for my dry humor.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Cha-ching is my safe word
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor