Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
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If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.