Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
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to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.