Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
You Might Also Like
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Do not steal food from the science building!
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Tony Hawk, age 6
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.