Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
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hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Just me and my debit card against the world
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
No.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse