Sharon, call the vet
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Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*