Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
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In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
getting corrected
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”