Sharon I have some bad news
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Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about