Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
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Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️