Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
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This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?