Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?