Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
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If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
*seductively eats two tums*
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?