Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
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Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.