Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

-911 Whats the emergency?

My wife is suffocating me

-Literally or figuratively sir?

Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

In space, no one can hear…

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.