Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar

Passport photographer: No

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.