Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing

Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.

So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life

Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.

Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]

Me: Don’t move!

Toddler: [sits on spill]

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”