Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.

You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga

WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?

ME:

WIFE: You fell down the stairs

ME: Yes

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.