Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.

Banking tips

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.

Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:

1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free