Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
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Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
My current situation
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.