“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
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Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins