@captainkalvis

shaved ice implies the existence of hairy ice

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@p_net

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

@Bob_Janke

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

@ArfMeasures

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

@Cheeseboy22

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

@murrman5

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

@Dutch_50

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

@joeljeffrey

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

@simoncholland

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

@Kyle_Lippert

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.