Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
You Might Also Like
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.