Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
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If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia