Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
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The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.