Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
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Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Stop making fast and furious movies.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell