Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
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Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Oh my god
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.