Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”

Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”

My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids

It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ

Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.

She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.