shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
You Might Also Like
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow