shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
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As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Sounds like a real hoot.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS