shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
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i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Well, this certainly took a turn
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*