Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

Me: How did my surgery go

Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear

Me:

Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???

Dog: meh

Me *falls asleep*

Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out

Why do I have so many emails?

I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.

Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?

Parenthood. It’s for you

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.

Me: Hi guys!

Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.