Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
You Might Also Like
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
taking June’s advice to heart
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable