*Shaves my winter legs*
Weigh me now.
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[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Tastes like chicken.
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?