*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Weirdly Wednesday.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
LOL!
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?