*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year