Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.

If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time