*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?
– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Genius.
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
For when Tinder doesn’t work
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.