*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin