*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.