[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
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Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Can’t, holding a grudge
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.