[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
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I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
We need to put an American base on the sun
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.