[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
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if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.